Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Philosophy of Kenji

Other animals are jerks, unless you need a cuddle session. Then they're still jerks, but jerks that you need, *%$#@!!!

When you need a good cuddle, follow your chosen person or dog around and yell curses loudly at them until they sit still long enough for you to drape yourself over them. Promptly start purring loudly. If that *%$#@$$ moves before you're done cuddling, bite them and yell!

Sinks are super-fun places to hang out. Tubs are okay, but sinks are just the right size. Yell curses loudly if those *%$#@$$es try to turn on the water while you're in there.

You should pace nervously and bat at the shower curtain when people get in the tub and start running water. It's like they're trying to get wet. *%$#@$$es!

Q-tips and shoelaces are the best toys. Only bat or chase every third attempt to play. You don't want playtime to be too easy for the humans, or they won't appreciate it.

That dog who lives here is cool. She doesn't have thumbs, but she's really big. When the revolution happens, you want her on your side.

Catnip, especially organic catnip, is awesome. I can stop any time I want to. What?! What's with that look? %@##&^!

Jump off of the bed if you think you might yack up a hairball. No one wants to sleep in that mess.

Run your paws over the edge of a magazine or book to make loud flapping noises with the pages when you need food or treats.

Show love with a fierceness that is both incredibly endearing and a bit frightening.

Phrases to learn and repeat often:
Sit down and cuddle now, you self-absorbed *%$#@$$!
I said now, %@##&^!
That's stupid!
You're stupid!
Get me a Q-tip!