Friday, March 28, 2014

Cranky with my (Imaginary) Housekeeper

Dear (Imaginary) Housekeeper,

Is it too much to ask that you make daily trips to Whole Foods and HEB to ensure that I have yummy berry, granola, yogurt parfaits (available at Whole Foods) and Diet Coke (not available at Whole Foods) for my breakfast? Where are the freshly made salads with quinoa for my lunch?

While you're at it, we need a new ironing board cover, so you can finish that ironing from the past two weeks. I admit it's a smidge silly that I want my jammie bottoms ironed, but they feel so much better when ironed, as do the pillow cases. Don't fuss about it. I know people who make their (real/not imaginary) housekeepers iron all the sheets for king-size beds.

You neglected to roll out the trash bin for collection, so I had to do it at 2:15 AM when I arrived home from work. I'm not sure the neighbors loved that noise. Also, there was no light snack awaiting my arrival home. How hard is it to have a little plate of cheese cubes, grapes and fresh berries with chilled cucumber water ready for my post-midnight munchies?

I'm shocked that you did not replace the dog's freshly laundered faux-fur blanket on the sofa last night before bedtime to keep her real fur from weaving into the cushions. I know I put a towel down for her, but she moved it.

I work hard, and I expect people in my (imaginary) employ to work hard also. Get it together.

Now run to Tacodeli and pick up my to-go order. You can take my car, but print an updated proof of insurance first. I don't want you getting a ticket. See? I'm always thinking of you. You should be so considerate to me.