Sunday, February 11, 2024

Manic Hobgoblin's 2024 Resolutions

Cute pic of one of my cats, unrelated to this post.

Manic Hobgoblin (the unhinged, hyper-aspirational, hyper-achieving, status-obsessed, multi-hyphenate voice that sometimes lives in my head rent-free) formulated his 2024 resolutions last month. Unfortunately for Manic Hobgoblin, he claims that he was at a silent retreat without wifi, and could not communicate with me, his humble (and very reluctant) assistant, to post these resolutions until now. (I think he was actually in jail, or maybe filming a reality TV show, and they took his phone away from him.) Also, Manic Hobgoblin read a New York Times article about February actually being the best month for resolutions, so he figures now is the optimal time to release his 2024 resolutions. (I suspect he only read the headline, because when I asked him why February is the best month for resolutions, he gave zero reasons, and left the room while tapping on his smart watch as if late for a very important date.)

So, without further ado, but with grave reservations, and multiple implied disclaimers, here are Manic Hobgoblin's 2024 New Year Resolutions:

1. Trademark every marketing phrase he can think of. It's called passive income. When one of the phrases is used, the money will roll in. (Editor's note: Nope. Not how that works. The paperwork and fees to trademark phrases is a lot, and most applications for trademarks are denied. The lawyer's fees and time invested to then enforce those trademarks will also be a lot.)

2. Start a bunch of short term rentals in hot tourist destinations. Also passive income, because Manic Hobgoblin will charge the renters all sorts of fees, but make them fully clean the place, and prepare it for the next round of guests. (Editor's note: This will fail. Mortgage loan rates are pretty high now, and Manic Hobgoblin doesn't have enough liquid assets to buy properties with cash purchase. Short term rentals are in their flop era due to predatory and unscrupulous operators such as Manic Hobgoblin. Short term rentals are also a scourge to many otherwise quiet neighborhoods, and the general affordability of housing, so many cities and neighborhoods are stepping up rules, regulations, and enforcement against short term rentals. Manic Hobgoblin is too late to this game.)

3. Jazzercise! Twice a week. (Editor's note: This seems fine.)

4. Drink four gallons of water a day exclusively from limited edition Stanley tumblers. (Editor's note: That's too much water. Read about it on Web MD. We have too many YETI and KODI tumblers already. I'm not buying Stanley tumblers for Manic Hobgoblin.)

5. EGOT. (Editor's note: good luck with that.)

I hope that 2024 is a good year for all of us. Wash your hands. Be kind. Have compassion for your fellow Earthlings. 

I set a goal to read forty books, which is the closest I get to making annual resolutions. I might join Manic Hobgoblin at Jazzercise. Chad and I plan to hike and kayak at Acadia National Park later this year. Discuss your plans and goals amongst yourselves on your Google doc or your group chat.