Friday, March 11, 2016

My (Totally Fake) Agenda for the Day

Chad often asks what is on my agenda for the next day. I know he is only asking to be polite, and to make sure there is nothing that conflicts with his agenda. Yesterday when he asked about today's agenda, this was my response:

6:30 AM I will rise and consume four blueberries and ten almonds with some coconut water for breakfast. I will ready myself for my sweaty bikram yoga class.

7:00 AM Because there will be zero traffic I arrive at the bikram yoga class.

8:00 AM I leave the car parked where it is, and run half a mile down to the lake, then run four miles of gloriously beautiful trails at Ladybird Lake. I am not at all deterred by bugs or allergies.

9:30 AM I go for a blow-out to get my hair just so.

10:30 AM Mani-pedi where I am not at all embarrassed at the state of my retail-hobbled-feet and the nail technician does not gasp at the bunion on my left foot.

11:45 AM I meet the Ladies Who (Don't Eat) Lunch for a leisurely date. We chat cordially as we push food around our plates and pretend to take bites.

2:00 PM I pop into Lululemon for some yoga clothes that perfectly fit my Kardashian-esque curves, and are not at all sheer.

3:00 PM I report for my court-ordered community service hours. Don't ask.

5:00 PM After such a stressful day, I head to my favorite massage therapist for an hour long Swedish.

6:15 PM I arrive home just in time to prepare a tantalizing vegan meal from scratch. We dine by candle-light at the dining table with proper linens.

8:00 PM I take the dog for a stroll.

8:30 PM I load the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen before watching something culturally enriching on PBS.

10:00 PM I remove my makeup and ready for blissful sleep. Our street is so quiet and our pets are so well behaved that I have no need for earplugs.


How it really went down:

6:06 AM I awakened to a cat fight in the bedroom. I had to sequester the kitten in the dressing room for his own safety and for the safety of Sonic (cat) & Marigold (really old cat). I got back in bed and despite wearing earplugs, could not get back to sleep due to street noise.

7:15 AM I heard Chad's alarm go off again after he hit the snooze bar once, maybe twice already. After a quick cuddle and one more snooze cycle, I forcibly pushed Chad out of the bed. Kenji (cat) pinned me down and gave me scary kisses on my chin. One never knows when the kisses will turn to needle-teeth nibbles with her. Mercifully, I fall back to sleep.

1:15 PM I awakened from a deep slumber. Chad poked his head into the bedroom and asked if I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich with fig spread and walnuts. Yes, please. I needed a lot of sleep as I am recovering from some difficult TRX classes at my gym. Also I currently am afflicted with itchy hives of unknown origin. Plus I didn't get to bed until 2:30 AM due to storms and a nervous Janie (dog).

1:20 PM While Chad made lunch, I greeted all the pets, brushed my teeth and tried to find my favorite socks.

1:30 PM I lunched with my hunky husband who works from home. We both cleaned our plates.

2:00 PM I stared at twitter, instagram and emails for a while.

2:45 PM I did some grooming including plucking my overgrown eyebrows. I put together an outfit for the gym. I cleaned litter boxes, swept and took out the trash.

3:35 PM Janie (dog) knows the difference between heels and cross-trainers. Upon seeing I wore gym shoes, she demanded a walk. It was a very productive walk for her. Eww.

4:00 PM I finally made it out of the house to the post office, and then to my gym. After a full 60 minute workout, I saw that a Zumba class was about to start, so I stayed for that too. I am not the most coordinated person, but I love me some Zumba.

6:35 PM I finally left the gym, and hightailed it to Central Market for much-needed groceries.

7:30 PM I made it home and put away groceries. Chad arrived home shortly after that from his gym.

7:50 PM We dined in front of the TV. We watched The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story. What a good show and a guilty pleasure.

9:30 PM Chad and I walked Janie (dog) again. This walk was not so productive, but she enjoyed sniffing stuff.

9:50 PM I forced Chad to prepare for his bedtime. He is reading a book that I just finished before he falls asleep each night. I want him to finish this book so we can discuss it.

10:00 PM I washed the dishes by hand (no auto dishwasher in the 1952 House) and wiped down the stove and counters.

10:45 PM I kissed Chad goodnight and took a much-needed shower.

11:30 PM I stared at the Internet some more, punctuated with letting our indoor-outdoor cat inside and outside about six times. He's a mess of anxiety. We bought him a little house that is waterproof and has a heated bed in it for the back deck, so he can take his anxiety outside even in cruddy weather.

1:02 AM I realized I still haven't sent my sister's birthday gift and decided to order that post-haste.

1:30 AM I faced the big decision of whether to read a lengthy magazine article or start a new book before bedtime.

2:30 AM It was raining again, but so far no thunder. I prayed, "Please let the dog sleep through this, so I can get some sleep."